THE MOST HATED GRINGO IN THE WORLD - 27

(This is really an update on THE MOST HATED GRINGO IN THE WORLD - 26.)

We were in El Parque de Embajadora when our friend Roberto walked up to where we were sitting. I asked him why Gringolandians call me a liar when I talk about the Double Price System. His eyes widened as he asked, "What Mexico do they (the Gringolandians) live in?"

Roberto is a retired Mexican with whom I have become a close friend.

He went on to say that Mexicans routinely double charge Americans because we are Gringos. We have dollars. It is assumed we can pay more so we get charged more.

Specifically, we were talking about rents and how the owner will quote one price to a Mexican and another price to the Gringo.

Carmen, Olivia, Erica, Eliza, Mario, Martha. Bertha, Rafa, Luli, and now Roberto all attesting to the Double Price System in Mexico.

There is even a clue to the veracity of this fact of Mexican life in the language itself:

"Te ven la cara de gringo y te buscan sacar hasta el ultimo centavito. " (You see the face of a gringo and you seek to take out until the last centavito...)

Yet, Gringos will call me a bigot for even suggesting that their angelic concept of Mexico and Mexicans could be anything other than purity and light itself.

Anyone care to explain that?

A Guanajuato, Mexico Vacation Still Makes Sense Even in Scary Economic Times

Though the Worldwide Economic Crisis seems to have the world in a tizzy of worry and despair, Gringos are still coming to Mexico. I remember last year at this time unprecedented numbers of Gringos were walking the streets of my adopted Mexican home of Guanajuato. The city of Guanajuato, that bears the same name as the state, Guanajuato, had swarms of Gringos that extended from late Spring into early Fall even while gloom and doom spread all over the planet.

Statistics for 2008 will be forthcoming in the Spring. But, if subjective observation is to count for anything, it appeared to all the Mexicans and American Expats with whom we spoke that 2008 seemed the year for the most visible tourists in years.

In previous years (2006-2007), the average age of tourists to Guanajuato was under 36 years old. These tourists came to Guanajuato in 2006 in groups of three family members and, in 2007, in pairs. In 2006, 35% of the tourism was Mexican regional tourists, 54% was Mexican national tourists, with a low 11% being foreign.

In 2007, there was only a one or two point increase in national and regional tourists and the foreign tourist percentage stayed the same. About 50% of the international tourism comes from the United States.

I've made this point often in my articles that the city of Guanajuato is not a resort town. It is not like the West and East coast Mexican cities. Nor is it like San Miguel de Allende. These towns have become dependent upon the tourist money and regard the foreigner as a source of income.

How you will be treated in one of these resort towns that has been traditionally dependent upon the foreign tourist's dollars or euros will be radically different from how you will be treated in a town whose tourist income is predominately from Mexican regional and national tourists. To put it in the words of one American woman who actually moved to San Miguel de Allende, "This is like living on a cruise ship. There is something planned to do every moment."

The city of Guanajuato, or the rest of the state for that matter, is not like that at all. In Guanajuato, you will see how real Mexicans live and work in their ordinary everyday lives in a city that has history and culture oozing out of every cobblestone. If you expect to be entertained like in the resort towns, look elsewhere.

However, having said that, Guanajuato is a traveler's dreamland to visit. That, I suppose, largely depends on your motive.

Of those surveyed, 7% to 10% came to Guanajuato in 2007 to visit family; 4% to 7% came for business; 6% to 8% for historical significance; 2% to 6% ventured here for ecotourism; 65% to 78% came just for a little R & R—Rest and Relaxation.

And, let me just say that Rest and Relaxation is what the average Joe and Jane American needs in times like these. If your American life has become something unrecognizable and transformed into something you would rather not even think about, then Guanajuato is the cure for what ails your hectic existence.

Five Steps To Maximize A Guanajuato Vacation

Think creatively: You can't possibly find a much-needed cure for your stress in Guanajuato if you try to have a whirlwind rush through the city and state.

1. Guanajuato is absorbed and not so much seen. Take time to sit and smell the foods cooking in El Jardin; listen to the music, the children playing, the donkeys braying, or the vendors hawking their wares; feel the textures of the serapes, scarves, and whatever else catches your attention.

2. Don't fret over your lodging. Be willing to stay anywhere. Staying in the historical center is not what it is cracked up to be. If you are planning a Restful and Relaxing vacation, staying in the noise-filled El Jardin is not necessarily what you will want. Try to book a hotel outside the historical center and nowhere near churches where you will be serenaded with bell ringing virtually around the clock. An apartment vacation rental is often the better choice.

3. Be willing to limit eating out from one to three meals for your entire vacation. If you find lodging in an apartment or hostel with cooking facilities, it would broaden your cultural horizons immensely to shop in the local markets for fresh foods you can cook on your own. It is a lifesaver on your pocketbook. My wife and I employ this tactic almost always when we travel through the country. Eating out can be a budget killer.

4. To minimize the financial impact on your savings, watch the airfares like your life depends on it. If you become a little pre-vacation obsessed, you can catch a deal on the flight to Mexico. My wife is liable to check three to four times a day when we are planning trips to catch the best prices. Or, consider driving to Mexico if you live within a one or two state's distance from the border. It isn't as hard as you think it might be. We are getting feedback from articles and forums that more and more Americans (and even some Canadians) choose the driving options. (Check the search engines for current restrictions and documents needed to drive into Mexico.)

5. Mexico is still a relative safe place to vacation. You have to put on your best "Big City Safety" thinking caps and play it safe the entire time. For reasons totally unknown, even to God, a lot of Gringos will come to Mexico, and especially Guanajuato, acting as though they've crossed over into the Promised Land of Safety and Virtue. I have not only personally witnessed this behavior in both tourists and American expatriates, but have a friend who is a long-time resident of the city who was robbed. She was not only relieved of her cash but was also beaten up in the process. She thought it was safe and secure to walk home at about three in the morning.

This is a serious issue. I cannot explain why Gringos come to Mexico and commit careless and dangerous behaviors that they would not do back home in Anywhere, America. They would not try walking home in the wee hours of the morning in almost any city in America and yet when they come here, they suddenly think they can do this and get by with it.

Don't walk back to your hotel at hours of the night where you are most likely to be robbed; don't visit ATM machines in the late hours; don't do anything here that you wouldn't do back home. If it feels dangerous it probably is, even in Guanajuato.

And, if you worry about all the news reports of Narco-Traffickers in Mexico, Guanajuato is still relatively safe from that source of organized crime. The point is to play it safe and smart and you will most likely come out smelling like a rose and have good experiences to tell your friends when you get back home.

The Authentic Mexico

Some people bristle at the phrase "authentic Mexico." They often scream at me something akin to, "What is that supposed to mean?"

What it means is a Mexico that has largely resisted the Americanization attempts of the Resort Moguls and has done things and continues doing things its own way.

Recently, Guanajuato has "acquired" a Starbucks. Now, why anyone would want to come to Mexico and drink a four-dollar, or more, specialty coffee from America is beyond me and I am wont for an explanation. But, Americanization is coming to Guanajuato as it has infiltrated the resort areas of Mexico.

Still, Guanajuato is not a resort (yet) and is full of regular Mexicans going about their regular lives trying to eek out a regular living. History, culture, and Mexican life are worth more to me to see and experience than being entertained with a Cruise Ship agenda. Guanajuato can indeed be a dreamland vacation.

Let Guanajuato be the place you spend your next vacation!

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Bower's new book, A Walk Through Mexico's Crown Jewel: A Guanajuato Travelogue. Unlimited Publishing, is available now at: http://www.mexican-living-guanajuato.com/travelogue.html

The Most Hated Gringo in the World - 26

It seems that when I have a hankering to harangue I come back to this blog. And, that's Ok. That's what a blog is. It is a venue, an outlet, a diary to say exactly what you want and not care one whit how it offends someone else. After all, a diary or log is your time, your opportunity, your chance to voice what ever it is you want and too bad for those who have a hissy fit when I write something they don't like!

So, trust me when I say, "I can not begin to tell you how much I do not care who thinks I am The Most Hated Gringo in the World" when I write about Mexico.

And so, here we are with yet another exciting installment of The Most Hated Gringo in the World part #26!

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One of the literally thousands of reasons I earned the The Most Hated Gringo in the World, is that I have written in response to the outrageously hyperbolic belief that because Mexico is a catholic nation that they know how to treat their fellow man better and with more respect. These Gringolandians actually believe that in Mexico you will not encounter anything like what I have called Gringo Gouging.

Now, what I have written in the past and for which I earned not only my dubious title but actual death threats (not to mention the foul and fetid name calling), is that when a Mexican merchant sees your Gringo face coming into their shop, rental housing, cabs, construction business, the price suddenly rockets through the roof.

As proof for this little bit of Mexican culture I have offered a conversation I had with a young woman named Erica. She told us, in the privacy of her own home, that she recalls being taught that the Gringo was to be Gouged as often and for as much as is humanly possible. This is the first time I have mentioned her name since all of my detractors, those whose Concept of Mexico is sinlessness with all righteous virtue that rivals Christ Himself, have accused me of lying about this encounter. I mention her now since she has left the country.

Can you imagine what these fruity Gringos would do if they could get their hands on my sources? If they threatened me for quoting these Mexicans, can you imagine what they would do to the sources of the quotes.

I say this because I really want to get through to my readers what they are dealing with in moving to Mexico and getting involved with the Gringolandians. A recent study showed that 1 in 4 Americans are so unbalanced, so off their rocker as to warrant a psychiatric diagnosis and need treatment. How many of those move to Mexico, I would just love to know.

I digress....

My wife just got off the phone with a lovely individual from our new church. We've finally found a protestant church with which to fellowship. They are trying to help us find new rental housing. This person reasserted to my wife not to try and contact this Mexican who has a home for rent because the price would with the magic word "GRINGO" shoot through the roof. In fact, three of the families who are helping us told us the same thing. Let them, Mexican to Mexican, find us housing and work out the rental details lest their fellow Mexican try charging us double the rental price.

Just what is one to say?

There are lessons here:

1. The Gringolandians who want to see me dead for daring to suggest that the angelic Mexican could not gouge a Gringo because in the Land of Milk and Honey Mexico nothing evil dwells........is bonkers! They cannot possibly understand the historical cultural relationship between Gringos and Mexicans. They cannot possibly speak Spanish. They cannot possibly be in their right minds (remember "1 in 4").

2. If you want to live cheaply in Mexico you are going to have to work hard at making contacts with the Mexican community. I am not talking about the Gringos who just recycle the same bi-lingual Mexicans throughout the Gringolandia. I am talking about getting involved in one of the Mexican social Groups which is, by the way, the only way you will ever be accepted as an equal and have them help you not to get ripped off.

3. On so many levels you are going to be deprived of the pursuit of happiness in this country if you don't learn Spanish and learn it well. It is satisfyingly hard but not impossible work. And, the main and most important level upon which you will be affected if you do not learn Spanish and learn it exceptionally well is your pocketbook. You will for however long you live in Mexico be ripped off if you don't.

Remember, Mexico is not paradise. It is just a country with good things about it and some things you might would rather live without.

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Don't forget my new book: A WALK THROUGH MEXICO'S CROWN JEWEL: A Guanajuato Travelogue.

MY LIFE'S WORK

I am sitting here trying to figure out the rest of my life. What I mean is I am trying to figure out if I am going to spend the rest of my life in Mexico, if I will stay until death do us part in Guanajuato, and if all this means that my life's goal, quest, or work is to constantly harangue about the ever-growing Gringolandia here and in other cities in Mexico.

If you've never read a word of my hundreds of columns, blogs, or books (and the Gringolandians would tell you to consider yourself blessed, but I digress) in which I try so carefully and scientifically (I just made that up) to explain life for the Gringo in Mexico, then maybe a sentence of two is in order to demonstrate what it is I do.

Basically, though originally (2003) on a Science Fiction quest as my writing goal, I stumbled across a fact that made writing Sci-Fi seem a reality by comparison: GRINGOLANDIA.

Gringolandia is a make-believe world where creatures called Gringolandians live.

To become a Gringolandian you have to be someone, American, Canadian, or from wherever it isn't Mexico, who comes to Mexico to live but has the following characteristics:

1. Someone to whom language, culture, history, or anything else related to Mexico doesn't matter. It is someone who cares only if she can buy her Oil of Olay or if he can buy all the liquor he can possibly consume while pretending to be expats in Mexico.

2. Someone who will tell you to your face that the reason he or she will never learn Spanish is because Mexicans aren't that interesting and besides, anyone who works for them has to learn English, so why bother?

3. Someone who believes that if the Mexican in a Gringolandian city like San Miguel de Allende does not understand that his existence is to serve (service) the Gringo community, then he is welcome to leave and live somewhere else.

These three points, by the way, were actually conveyed to me through the Internet and email. This means I am not making THIS up.

The list actually goes on and on and I am thinking of posting them on my website with the names of those who made the comments to me.

Now here is what is stranger than reading a science fiction novel.

Once the foreigner moves to Mexico and joins these Gringolandias, they become part of a totally separate dimension in time and space. For example, in San Miguel de Allende, there exist two cities. Each one, believe it or not, has its own government. One is officially The City of San Miguel de Allende with its Mexican government. The other is the unofficial government of the Gringolandia called The Lord of the Flies.

I am sure, if the emails I get and from the online chat room forums I read, that the Gringolandians would very much love to infiltrate, take over, and assimilate the weak and ineffectual Mexican government, creating a Lord of the Flies mandate in the city.

This, you must know, is the goal of almost every Gringo who moves to Gringolandias all over the republic. But, for now, there exist two worlds, two peoples, two groups who live together in a city that was originally a colonial Mexican town.

When we visit the Gringolandians, we are so tempted to go into anything that smacks of Mexico to see if it is really a stage prop. But, thankfully, we never go anymore unless it is a life and death issue like renewing our visas for another year.

Because I know you are wondering how these two worlds function, I will tell you:

The two worlds intersect, like some collision of Quantum cosmic strings, only when they have to. The Gringolandians lower their shields, creating a rift in the fabric of their dimensional walls, only when they have to let a Mexican come in and service them. You see, Gringos who lived a middle-class life in their home country, one without a maid, suddenly forget how to make their own beds or clean their toilets when they move to Gringolandia. They forget how to cook, too, and in some cases, the forget how to dress themselves. Once Gringos are teleported into Gringolandia, they have to live like the Rich and Famous did back home and hire help because the knowledge of how to live is sucked out of their Gringo heads when they cross over.

Oh….before I forget, almost all Gringos who move to Gringolandias come with the idea that learning a foreign language is impossible for them. Therefore, you can see now why exactly they move to Gringolandias and become Gringolandians. Why bother when Anywhere America awaits you complete with Starbucks, Subway, Wal-Mart, Sam's, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and more there in your new Gringolandia. You are essentially moving to a city in Mexico that has become an American annex. The foreign in this foreign country has been assimilated by Gringolandia.

Here's another tip to know just how much Gringolandia has assimilated the local Mexican city in which it has infected:

When there is a Mexican event going on, you can know five blocks away if the Gringos have arrived by the volume of Gringa harpies screeching. I say Gringas because the female Gringos are the ones screaming like banshees because the male versions, Gringos, are much too drunk by noon to utter much else other than, "Where's the booze, for Christ's sake?"

Why do they always attribute finding booze to Christ's sake? Is it really for Christ's sake they are making this hootch inquiry? Who can say?

Anyway, the Gringas come to the arts and crafts fairs where Mexican artisans, some from the campo and who only speak their indigenous language, display some very fine crafts and art pieces. What the Gringolandian women do is scream bloody murder, like someone has been killed right before their eyes, in an attempt to communicate to the vendor of the crafts a question like, "How much is this?"

I mean this most sincerely. Gringolandians, in the majority of the cases, move to Mexico, live here for up to and exceeding thirty years, and cannot ask how much something is in Spanish nor order a cup of coffee. But all of them seem to think that if they scream some insane rant loud enough to a non-English speaking Mexican, this will somehow transform the Mexican into an English speaker.

My wife and I go to these things to collect fodder for the articles we write. I was talking with an indigenous lady from another state in Mexico. She was able to speak passable Spanish. While we were talking, this American monolingual walked up and asked how much something was. Of course, the poor vendor had no idea what this woman was literally screaming. I translated for her. Then, the Gringa screamed in such a way that it appeared like she would kill someone, "Put this aside for me. I will be right back with the money."

Let me just say that if I had been interested in the piece (I forget now what it was, exactly), I would have purchased it just to see the old crone's face when she got back.

The screeching harpy disappeared into the crowd (she never returned) whereupon I seized the opportunity to ask the indigenous Náhuatl speaker (who spoke some Spanish) what she thought of that English-only American. Her answer went something like this:

"Le falta un tornillo."

Translation?

"She's missing a screw."

So, will I continue my mission of exposing the Gringolandia Lord of the Flies community?

I always swear I am through and am going to begin that Sci-Fi novel. But, reporting on Gringolandia is so much more entertaining!

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Don't forget to check out my new book: A WALK THROUGH MEXICO's CROWN JEWEL

The Most Hated Gringo in the World - 25

(For those who do not know, the title: The Most Hated Gringo in the World, was bestowed upon me by the Gringos in San Miguel de Allende and Guanajuato. It began with variations like, "You are the most hated expat in Guanajuato," and grew to a global-level title. Now, while whether "I am The Most Hated Gringo in the World" or not could be debated it is the title bestowed upon me by my enduring fans. I owe them all the credit!)

A Bamboozling Side Effect

The Gringolandizing infection is spreading. The traditional Prime Living Locations (and you should see the houses!) are now far too expensive for the retiree. They are, therefore, beginning to flood into non-traditional living locations in Mexico and are attempting to "Gringolandize" these areas.

What the potential Gringolandians are hearing about the non-Prime Living Locations is the same sales pitch; the same hornswoggling flimflam that life is cheap and easy. In areas of Mexico where life maybe cheap, life is anything but easy. In Guanajuato, I might add, real estate prices have risen at an eye-popping rate over the four years we've been here.

Also, the transition is beginning. The Guanajuato locals are scrambling to learn English. Just in the past three months, whenever we walk into town, locals who don't know us are now speaking English to us instead of Spanish (they see our Gringo faces and assume we can't speak Spanish). It's begun. The same cultural hybridization my social scientist friend describes in San Miguel de Allende has begun here. We see the difference, both gross and subtle, all over town.

The Plain Truth About Living in the Non-Prime Locations in México is life is not easy unless you set about mastering Spanish. Life considerably improved for my wife and I as we got better and better in Spanish. In fact, the other day I took a look at the more than 450 articles I've written since living in Guanajuato. I saw a trend in my writing that reflected my adjustment to the culture as my Spanish improved. The more Spanish I knew, the more I could ask and understand questions from the locals. This helped (and is helping) me to understand the cultural bumps in the road.

You've got to get this if nothing else rings your bell in this essay:

"Just how is the Gringo going to be regarded, or treated, in a city or town where the locals' bread and butter is not, and has not been, contingent upon the Gringo tourist or expatriate?"

The lady quoted above who said, " will find a strong family-centered life and a tightly- focused community..." cannot possibly be presenting this aspect of Mexican culture as an appeal to move here. Here's why.

The Mexican community is a tightly focused, strong family-centered culture. In fact, one cultural analyst I've read makes the statement that family groups are everything in Mexico.

However, if the writer who invites her readers to come one, come all to Puerto Vallarta to learn more is talking about the Mexican culture when making mention of finding "a strong family-centered life and a tightly-focused community...", and I rather think she was, you are not going to be knocking on the front door of Mexicans homes in the non-Prime Living Locations without possessing the passport to this aspect of Mexican culture: Spanish.

Nor are you, without Spanish, going to get an invitation to be a part of this "... strong family-centered life and a tightly-focused community."

Spanish is the portal to the culture. As almost every researcher who writes about the effect of Gringolandians on Mexico's culture report:

"In other words, to what extent do these American migrants assimilate into Mexican society? The answer is minimally. Few American residents of San Miguel speak Spanish, including those who have lived in the city for ten or more years." Quote Source

If American migrants to the Prime Living Locations in Mexico are not assimilating into Mexican society, then what are they doing?

They are Gringolandizing. They build and live in bubbled housing-Little American Enclaves-and look out at the real culture. They are not expatriates. They are Fakepatriates.

Note that contextually, the author of this quote links cultural assimilation with the learning of the language.

The Most Hated Gringo in the World - 24

I am often accused of being "too repetitive" in my writing. Well, too bad. It bears beating the proverbial Dead Horse when the myths about living in Mexico, Guanajuato specifically, are continually perpetrated only so real estate people can get rich off of the unsuspecting and ill-informed who keep buying houses with this idea that Mexico is the Promised Land. And, I am now beginning to suspect that this will most certainly get worse before it gets better with the real estate shysters telling the Somewhere-Over-The-Rainbow group that Mexico is the answer to their recession woes. Just watch.

As quoted in my last Blog entry, here is a Gringolandian hyperbole:

"The people of Mexico routinely treat strangers with warmth and curiosity. The people here seem to have the ability to enjoy life, be more hospitable, more respectful of their fellow man."

I have some very salient examples of what life can be like living in Guanajuato should you make the mistake of choosing this area to begin your expat adventure.

But, before I list them, you've got to understand a secret that few, if any, Gringolandians ever in their lives come close to understanding. And the reason is the Gringolandians, not Gringos but Gringolandians, routinely move to Mexico based on hype and propaganda as evidenced in the above quote. They look, and not too far, to find an overly inflated, pumped up illusion or Concept of what living in Mexico is really like.

The Gringolandians keep recycling the same deception over and over again to subsequent new additions to the local Gringolandia, keeping the delusions fresh and dynamic. They even keep recycling the same "Mexican Friends" as their proof that Mexico is the New Utopia in which you will live in heaven itself.

Warmth and Curiosity

Guanajuato is known all over Mexico as one of the most closed Mexican regions (societies) in the Republic. We caught on to this when our Spanish began to become good enough to interview Mexicans on the street. For example, we were in a local restaurant when the hostess, dressed very smartly in her beige coat and dress, began a casual conversation with us. While complimenting us on our Spanish, she asked how long we've lived in Guanajuato. We learned she was from Zacatecas and asked her what she thought Guanajuato was like compared to her home state. Well, you would have thought we had opened a floodgate. She told us that Guanajuatenses, people from Guanajuato, were so closed so as to be virtually impossible to get to know. She used language in Spanish that conveyed the idea of clannishness in the extreme.

Two additional testimonials to this little bit of unknown truth about Guanajuato were verified by two ladies we met from Chihuahua City. Both of them, one of whom became a close friend, told us they had lived in Guanajuato for more than 10 years without making a friend. Our landlady, who is from Guadalajara, told us though she's lived in Guanajuato for more than 50 years, she's been the house of a fellow Guanajuatense only once. She has no friends other than her dear husband and us.

Unless you hail from three generations of Guanajuatenses, and are catholic, you are not accepted in this town. And mind you, I am talking about how Guanajuatenses treat their fellow Mexicans from other states in the country!
So, how does this work out with the Gringo?

Try walking into the athletic shoe store in the mall and see how you will NEVER be waited on. Watch how the clerk sees potential MEXICAN clients who she bounds up to with a cheery smile and a musical lilt in her voice and sings forth, "A sus ordenes…" – At Your Service. Then watch the look come across her face that goes something like: "Maybe that Gringo Slime will just die."

Try getting a coffee at the Italian Coffee Shop in Guanajuato's Historic Center and see how you are regarded as an interruption and when they do finally find the time to throw a menu at you, you are looked at like they are now going to hate you to the grave for having to look at you and breathe the same air.

I am not making this stuff up.

I am not sure which Mexico people are talking about when they say, "The people of Mexico routinely treat strangers with warmth and curiosity. The people here seem to have the ability to enjoy life, be more hospitable, more respectful of their fellow man."

We have lived here for more than six years and are still looking for that Mexico!

A cab driver pal told me that if a Gringo does not try to speak Spanish, the fare doubles.

A 78-year-old woman and her forty-something daughter who have been born and bred in Guanajuato told us they don't get why any American would love to live in Guanajuato because of the way they are treated here. Everything I have written about life in Guanajuato I have gotten from these ladies and other Guanajuatenses whose hardcore shells we eventually were able to crack. This elderly Guanajuato resident told us the further north you move in Mexico, the better the Gringo is treated.

Just today, we had the horror of trying to get on a bus to get home from a downtown trip. The cabs were not showing up, so we grudgingly decided to bus.

If you doubt at all anything I have written in the Blog, any of my books, any of my print and online stories, just come here and try riding a bus. No…wait…first try traversing a set of stairs to get to the underground bus stop and then try getting on the bus. It is a disaster.

First, Mexicans show their Spanish cultural heritage when traversing staircases. They do not queue or walk in an orderly fashion up and down the stairs. Apparently, no one ever informed this country that traffic on stairs could be managed most effectively by having lines of humanity walking up and down at the same time on opposite sides of the staircase. Mexicans, like their modern Spanish cousins, surge. If you are trying to go the opposite direction of the surge, just give up, relent, thrown in the towel, surrender, because you can't win. You will have to wait until the surge of hundreds disperses.

Then try getting on the bus.

Second, this is where the respect for their fellow man really shines. They not only also surge in a mad dash for the bus door but also will do one or all of the following:

Pinch you on your ass to make you turn around so they can duck under your flailing arms to get on the bus before you.

Grab the pockets on the back of your pants and pull you backwards so they get to jump your place in line. Sometimes a variation on this technique is that they spin you around so you end up actually facing away from the door.

As soon as you grab the bus door handles to hoist your traumatized Gringo self into the bus, they simply duck under your arms. You see Gringos are all the size of Jolly Green Giants on steroids compared with the average Mexican. The Mad-Hatter Mexican is aware of this and uses this technique often.

Well, today we were in a bind and had to take a bus home. As soon as we saw our bus coming, we pulled a TMO – Typical Mexican Operation.

I screamed to my wife, "RUN!"

As we were running to the door, I held out my arms like wings with my hands pointing to the ground as though I were a turkey in distress contemplating Christmas dinner, and flapped my arms back and forth. I kept one eye on my wife while watching the "duckers" trying to dodge my flapping arms (I realize this seems a bit deranged and frankly I do not care). One lady, an ass-pincher (more on that later), tried ducking under my left hand but to evade her, all I had to do is dip my knees slightly while wagging my hand as though I were in the throes of a profound seizure.

The lady I was able to successfully prevent from squeezing between my wife and myself (another common Bus Combat Tactic) got on the bus with a look on her face of sheer hatred and I am sure she was contemplating just how she would kill me the next time. She squeezed past me once the bus was in motion and exacted her revenge with an ass pinch.

Once I had a man actually put his arms in a bear hug around me and throw me from the bus's first step just so he could get into the bus first.

More Hospitable and Respectful

I wonder which Mexico is more hospitable and more respectful of their fellow man? One of the things Gringolandians try telling you is that the Mexican is so patient and will treat you so lovingly while patiently trying to help you with your bad Spanish.

In Guanajuato, be prepared to have someone (or several people) laugh in your face when you speak Spanish to him or her. Of course, not all Guanajuatenses without exception will do this, but a significant amount, especially the younger ones, will totally roust you when you try getting them to help you. Whether in a frutería, carcineria, or a dulcería, you can be pronouncing your Spanish perfectly and they will pretend they can't understand you….

Or, if you are really lucky and the boss isn't there, they will simply shrug their shoulders and tell you over and over again that they can't understand you.

Here's a tip: They simply don't want to wait on a Gringo.

This has happened between Guanajuatenses and others from different regions of Mexico or Latin America.

So, my quote:

"The people of Mexico routinely treat strangers with warmth and curiosity. The people here seem to have the ability to enjoy life, be more hospitable, more respectful of their fellow man."

…is the epitome, the zenith, the height of superlative hyperbole, especially in Guanajuato!

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Another Edition of The Most Hated Gringo in the Entire World

Those who move to Mexico based on a Concept do so based on something like this:

Yes, you can have “paradise for less” Just LOOK: Say goodbye to cold, gray, dreary weather -- even in the winter. Live in a spacious, modern home overlooking a sun-drenched tropical beach. Swim in crystal-clear water that stays warm all year 'round. Leave the stress behind, and enjoy a laid-back lifestyle. Walk on powdery, white sandy beaches with palm trees swaying in the breeze. All while enjoying the conveniences of modern life: Like Dairy Queen, Walmart,Sam's, Internet service, fine restaurants, concerts, museums, and more... oh, so much more!

The people of Mexico routinely treat strangers with warmth and curiosity. The people here seem to have the ability to enjoy life, be more hospitable, more respectful of their fellow man.

Apparently, someone forgot to inform this Pollyanna that there's a bit more to her illusion of what Mexico is as a Reality!

"[There are] laws in various states that consider the infidelity of the woman to be] a mitigating factor in homicide [cases] and mete out punishments less severe than for cattle theft, where the [rape] of a single woman isn´t punishable if the person who commits it agrees to marry the woman, and where statutory rape is not sanctioned if the minor agreed to have sexual relations with an adult," CNDH ombudsman José Luis Soberanes said in a statement." THE NEWS

And, there's even more:

Police in towns around the country still encourage women to reconcile with their abusive partners, or simply won´t respond to domestic violence complaints until a woman is left seriously injured, rights organizations say. In addition, the murder of hundreds of women in the northern city of Juárez and growing murder cases in the State of Mexico have gone largely unresolved, the groups argue. THE NEWS

So, perhaps you can see why I write what I do about the uninformed Gringo who moves to Mexico thinking this is a Nirvana and that a Paradise Island Welcoming Party is waiting with open arms.

Mexico is neither a Paradise nor a Nirvana.

And yet, the Gringos keep coming.

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Don't forget to check out my new book, A WALK THROUGH MEXICO'S CROWN JEWEL: A Guanajuato Travelogue! Click Here

Mexican Women Scream Themselves Hoarse

An interesting and yet inexplicable observation about Mexico is that when you watch Mexican television, especially the news and talk shows, the women seem to be perpetually hoarse.

At nine in the morning there are two very popular talk shows in the format of Good morning America and The Today Show, in which the women always seem on the verge of not being able to speak.

This year we bought a nice television set and watch these programs to improve our Spanish. (This works great, by the way, if you are an upper immediate Spanish student)

Without fail, all the women who have major roles to minor ones, seem to sound like they spent the night before screeching like harpies and then came to work with damaged vocal chords.

So, why is this so? Just why do they sound like this?

1. They indeed spend the evening before screeching at the men in their lives?
2. They go to football games and scream for the home team?
3. They all attend rock concerts and scream like mimi's?
4. They like hearing themselves so they scream all night long just for the thrill?

Well, whatever it is, it is yet another mystery that one can easily verify if they watch these talk shows.

From my experience I've watched, too many times to count, young adolescent girls when they are leaving school to go home who spend what appears to be an inordinate amount of time screaming for no apparent reason at all. I mean you could probably hear these young and budding banshees in the next town miles away.

But then, who am I to say since the Gringos of Guanajuato and San Miguel de Allende have dubbed me the Most Hated Gringo in the World and who knows less of Mexican culture than any one alive.

I must maintain my reputation after all!

Sneaking an Early Peek at Our Lady of Guanajuato

From my vantage point I could see everything. Sitting in a small sidewalk café with the very original name, El Café (The Café), I was working on my third cup of Nescafe while watching Mexicans walking by like someone was chasing them. Of the many Twilight Zone events I've had while living in Guanajuato, Mexico, this is really the most bizarre. It is a cultural fact that you could bet the farm on that Mexicans will never get to an appointment on time-ever. Setting up an appointment at three in the afternoon, for example, can mean a host of things, none of which means that the person will show up at three. So just where they are going in such an apparent hurry, I cannot possibly say.

From that point of view, Guanajuato is not an especially nice place to walk between the hours of ten in the morning and two in the afternoon. To test this hypothesis, try walking from a barrio called Embajadoras to the Super, Comercial Mexicana, between those hours. Here's a tip: Make sure your Tourist's Insurance Premiums are paid up.

El Café is located on the side of Guanajuato's magnificently ostentatious Juarez Theater and diagonally across from the main plaza, El Jardin. From here, you can watch the city, at least in El Centro (The Center), wake up. I watched vendors buzzing about like so many bees in a busy swarm toting restaurant supplies on their little dollies making hurried deliveries. Shopkeepers were busy opening up their doors and removing the huge wooden panels from their boarded windows. Sidewalks were swept and mopped (I just love that!). I've written often that this is the very best time to see Guanajuato-in the early mornings-without the fear of being swept off a sidewalk by the race-walking, pressing throng.

After the third cup of Nescafe and finally reaching that I-am-now-going-to-vomit-myself-to-death taste in my mouth, I decided it was time to get moving on the day. But first, I have to explain the Nescafe angle in this town.

Nescafe is what is served in most small cafés in Guanajuato. If you want a cup of Americano, Nescafe is what you will get. Now, I have no ill will toward Nescafe and will indulge in a cup when there is nothing else to order. The strategy to successfully surviving a morning of this brew without suffering a possible stroke is to add more sugar than the human body can possibly handle and then throwing it back like you are tossing back a shot of tequila. And, note this, there are rarely free refills. I must add a note here: El Café does serve great scrambled eggs with chorizo.

My objective, the target of my sleuthing travel writing quest, was to journey, entirely on foot, to La Plaza de la Paz (The plaza of peace). For this arduous hike, I was duly fortified and knowing it would take all of sixty seconds, I was ready for it. But before I could go, I had to deal with the line of beggars and vendors who had queued at my table.

These people always know when I come into town. They must send each other messages on their Blackberry's when one of them spots me ambling along the streets. It doesn't matter what time of day I show up, "Red Alert...Bower's coming!" They come, one after another, to my table with assorted items from which I can chose NOT to buy. One lady had candy bars, or so she claimed, wrapped in red cellophane with Chinese characters on the packaging. The lettering looked faded like it had been manufactured in 1945 and probably read something like, "Chin-a-Lax-a-Tive". Next, the Doily Lady came rolling up.

I believe The Doily Lady has to have convinced herself that she will sell us something before she dies, which seems imminent. For the past six years, she has tried selling us stuff that frankly looks like she got it at Wal-Mart. She always hits on us and when we refuse, she has a follow-up sales pitch to try and overcome our long-term refusal. She never gives up, ever. Once, we tried ignoring her while we kept walking. This would not do. Oh no. She grabbed hold of the belt on the back of my wife's pants and was dragged along as though she was water skiing and my wife was the motorboat. I had to dislodge her hands and yell at my wife to run. The poor old thing is that persistent. And here the kicker: I've never seen anyone, Gringo or Mexican, buy the dear's stuff. Sad, really.

After that bit of distraction, I walked to La Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe, Guanajuato's parish church. La Basilica doesn't look all that impressive when approaching the plaza in which it sits and that is because the traffic on both streets that run parallel to it goes the wrong direction. So, for example, if you were to take an automobile of any sort into the plaza, you wouldn't know what the structure was unless someone hit you on the head and said, "Hey, look at that church." And, even then, you would have to twist your head backwards in Linda Blair style to see it. The visual impact of the church would indeed be impressive if the traffic flow was reversed. This 17th-century Baroque church is most impressive when viewed on foot from the opposite side of the plaza. In its elevated splendor, the main entrance is reached by climbing semicircular and steep stairs. In older photos, the church's entrance is at street level. This is no longer the case.

I was there at about nine in the morning to get a better look at the most unique object in the church. Though I had seen pictures of this 8th-century statue, I had yet to see her in the actual context of the church's altar. She used to sit on the back wall, behind the alter and to the left. You really couldn't see it since services were always in progress when I was there. Many American tourists will, unfortunately, think they should have access to the churches, like the churches are Museums, and will often march to the front during a service and start squeezing off snapshots. We saw this happen at a child's funeral. The tourists, dressed for the beach, rushed to the front when the casket was being opened and snapped photos. The churches are not museums and are there for the spiritual needs of the locals.

When I settled into a pew and got out my writing things, I noticed five people sitting toward the front and in the right side of the pews. I always fret when I walk into a church on a writing gig and there are parishioners making spooky but soft chanting sounds, as these five were. They were all hunched over like they were suffering stomach cramps in unison and erupting in sudden moans and groans. I thought they were either sick or practicing some esoteric religious moaning exercises with which I was unfamiliar. Whatever it was, they didn't seem to mind a horde of workers who were climbing scaffolding and dropping things to the church floor from dizzying heights. The one thing I was very pleased about is that the virgin I came to see was brought to the front of the altar and sat in what looked like a dessert case at Denny's. She was locked up snug and in a glass container where all could view without difficulty.

The story about this religious icon is a great one and one which I love.

Our Lady of Guadalupe is a sculpture standing 1.15 meters high and depicts the Virgin holding Baby Jesus. Depending on the version of history you find, it was alleged to have been created around 714 A.D. and was hidden, probably in caves or catacombs, in Spain during the five-hundred year Moorish rule. King Charles V of Spain donated the statute that was rediscovered. In 1557, the statue arrived in Guanajuato and later came to be called Our Lady of Guanajuato. It was actually Charles' son, Phillip II, who was entrusted with the icon's journey to and safe arrival in Guanajuato.

Though nothing is really known about the sea voyage of the icon to Mexico across the Atlantic, one can only imagine the peril it faced. Perafán de Rivera, the nobleman assigned to bring the statue to Mexico, didn't know where Guanajuato was exactly and became essentially lost. Just a suburb away in the area today known as Yerbabuena, he stopped to reconnoiter and prayed to the icon for help. According to legend, a pair of white doves guided him in safety to the city of Guanajuato.

Considered to be the oldest piece of Christian art and carved from one piece of cedar, the statue has actually a rather interesting part in its history in which thieves made off with the jewels sewn into the sculpture's garment. The thieves didn't get far and the jewels were recovered. I cannot begin to imagine what the locals must have done to the thieves.

Though the actual icon looks rather dull, it is amazing that it is so old and so well preserved. Presently (Fall 2008), when there are no services going on, you can walk right up to the front and have a look at what two members of the Spanish royalty and a geographically-challenged nobleman went to a lot of trouble to bring to the new world-New Spain, today Mexico.

I looked over my left shoulder and the five moaning parishioners were still rocking and moaning, the workers were still on their scaffolding dropping things from the rafters, and I took my leave with my mission accomplished.

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Don't forget to check out my new book, A WALK THROUGH MEXICO'S CROWN JEWEL: A Guanajuato Travelogue! Click Here